Mother's Day and PFLAG

I have been going to PFLAG off and on for about 5 years. My better half took me for the first time shortly after we started seeing each other. She knew that I was afraid of what would happen with parents when I came out. I was attending PFLAG before I came out, while I was dealing with family during the time that I came out, and since then while dealing with the aftermath of coming out for the past 5 years. 

I cannot begin to describe what PFLAG has meant to me. They have given me much needed comfort and support over the past few years. Even when there has not been anything major going on in my life, just being able to be around these amazing people has done so much for me. Some of them will never know what they mean to me and what their hugs have meant to me. I can't find the words to express to them what they mean to me. Listening to them talk about their gay children and talk about how proud they are of their children...not in spite of their being gay, but just being proud of them for who they are. It has helped me to realize that there really isn't anything wrong with me. 

So, all of that to say this: Happy Mother's Day to our PFLAG moms. You mean so much. Thank you.

Church is not god

I came out to my family 5 years ago. I started coming out to myself 1-2 years before that. When I say that I came out to myself, I mean that I finally admitted to myself who I am. And I started trying to figure out what to do with that. Was I going to accept it and accept myself? Or was I going to try to change because my church taught that being gay is wrong and my family would be upset. I cannot find the words to express the extent of the struggle. I quit going to church and did not talk to anyone about what was going on. I had to figure out for myself what I believed. I decided that I should not have any kind of romantice relationship. Then I met her. 

She turned my world upside down. It has been over 5 years and sometimes I still can't believe it. I can't imagine my world without her. I want to have a family and grow old with her. I never thought I would have a relationship where I am known. It's good to be known.  

During that time, one of the most helpful things I did was read "Stranger at the Gate" by Mel White. It was possible to be gay and Christian. Who knew. The other thing that helped was that she took me to PFLAG. I still go to PFLAG and I love those people. They will probably never know how much of an impact they have had on me. 

I still do not go to church. I miss church. I still believe in God. But I cannot bring myself to go back to church. I've tried...half-heartedly. When I think of church, I think about people who think I should believe exactly as they do and if I don't then I must not be right with God. I have had people tell me before tht I was running from God. At the time, I wondered if that was true. Now, I think I was running from them. Dealing with church folks makes it hard to want to deal with God. Sometimes, it is hard to see God through all the crap of church. I'm not saying that all church is bad. But for me, right now, when I think about church, I do not think about God. 

Hurt. Anger. Resentment. Disappointment. Rejection. That's what I think about when I think about church. 

There is one thing that I feel like I am clinging to when it comes to God, because it is easy to get God and church confused. God is love. That's the bottom line. He loves me. Everyday when I wake up next to her, she is my proof that He loves me. 

Conversations with Mom

I went out of town to spend the weekend with my family to celebrate Christmas early. We do that because my better half is not welcome and I want to spend Christmas with her. Most of the weekend was good and I enjoyed my family. But it seems like there is always something that occurs that reminds me that I am a disappointment. I was with my family for 3 days. The following is a paraphrase of conversations with my mom while I was there.


Day One.

Have you thought about getting in touch with Pastor ____ and his wife.
No.
I wish that you would. They would love to see you.
I'd rather keep up with them from a distance.
People can change. They've been through a lot in the past year.
I know.
Would you think about getting in touch with them?
No.
Why not?
Because I will not put myself in a position to get beat up again.
People can change. You can change.
I don't need to change. I am who I am.
Yeah, you do.
I'm okay with who I am. God is okay with who I am.
You know what the Bible says.
We don't need to talk about this because we will not agree.
The Bible....
Can say whatever a person wants it to say. It can be used to justify anything.
You are deceived.

Day Two.

I remember when you were in high school and a co-worker told me that they wished their daughter was more like you and interested in helping other people. I bet she wouldn't say that now.
Thanks, mom.
(Cheerfully) You're welcome.
It must really suck.
It does suck.

Thank you, Ray and Carol

When I was a teenager, I was always at church and really involved in the youth group. I can't remember not knowing who Ray Boltz was. His music was always there. I went on a mission trip with Teen Mania when I was in high school. One of my friends went to Botswana with Teen Mania that year and Ray Boltz was also there to shoot a video. My friend was in his video. I think the song was "I Will Tell the World." I think. Needless to say, Ray Boltz was popular in our youth group.

I read an interview recently where Ray Boltz talked about his coming out experience. I had such mixed emotions about it. Part of me was scared for him. Scared because I know how people in the church can treat those of us who come out. Everyone knows that you can't be gay and christian. If you are, then you must be deceived and "not right with God." Part of me was sad for him too. Sad because I know how bad rejection from church and family hurt. I think more than anything, I was impressed (I use this word because I'm not quite sure what other word to use). It takes a lot of courage for anyone to come out. When a well known christian who has been put up on a pedestal comes out, they have to be prepared for the attacks and rejection that surely come.

If you haven't been there, you can't know how hard it is as a christian who happens to be gay to make the decision to be honest about who you are - honest with yourself and others. So, I am impressed. Impressed with the courage of Ray Boltz to be who God created him to be. Impressed with his wife who has the courage to be supportive when it would probably be a lot easier not to be.


Ray Boltz has a new song out called "Don't Tell Me Who to Love." Check it out at the following link with this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBQyJTXiOYs