Church is not god

I came out to my family 5 years ago. I started coming out to myself 1-2 years before that. When I say that I came out to myself, I mean that I finally admitted to myself who I am. And I started trying to figure out what to do with that. Was I going to accept it and accept myself? Or was I going to try to change because my church taught that being gay is wrong and my family would be upset. I cannot find the words to express the extent of the struggle. I quit going to church and did not talk to anyone about what was going on. I had to figure out for myself what I believed. I decided that I should not have any kind of romantice relationship. Then I met her. 

She turned my world upside down. It has been over 5 years and sometimes I still can't believe it. I can't imagine my world without her. I want to have a family and grow old with her. I never thought I would have a relationship where I am known. It's good to be known.  

During that time, one of the most helpful things I did was read "Stranger at the Gate" by Mel White. It was possible to be gay and Christian. Who knew. The other thing that helped was that she took me to PFLAG. I still go to PFLAG and I love those people. They will probably never know how much of an impact they have had on me. 

I still do not go to church. I miss church. I still believe in God. But I cannot bring myself to go back to church. I've tried...half-heartedly. When I think of church, I think about people who think I should believe exactly as they do and if I don't then I must not be right with God. I have had people tell me before tht I was running from God. At the time, I wondered if that was true. Now, I think I was running from them. Dealing with church folks makes it hard to want to deal with God. Sometimes, it is hard to see God through all the crap of church. I'm not saying that all church is bad. But for me, right now, when I think about church, I do not think about God. 

Hurt. Anger. Resentment. Disappointment. Rejection. That's what I think about when I think about church. 

There is one thing that I feel like I am clinging to when it comes to God, because it is easy to get God and church confused. God is love. That's the bottom line. He loves me. Everyday when I wake up next to her, she is my proof that He loves me.